I recently have had the opportunity to spend significant one on one time with Sommer and Dane. I took Sommer to see country artist Megan Moroney near St. Louis and this was a dream concert for her. And a couple of weeks ago I took Dane to Branson for his weekend baseball tournament and we had a blast together.
I find myself having contradicting emotions during these events. There is real joy in spending this time with the kids. Angie has always used the phrase “watching them live their best lives” from the time we met to describe the joy that she feels when doing activities with the kids. And I completely get it. Seeing Sommer sing at the top of her lungs and watching Dane play baseball at a high level and be part of a Championship team brought me great happiness!
But I also found myself feeling guilty. I never got to really do that with Hallie. A little bit but not much. And Lexi and Carter while maybe getting some of those moments with me certainly didn’t get enough of them. It made me stop and dissect the reasons why:
- When your young you have to work harder to pay the bills. I just didn’t have as much money when Lexi and Carter were younger so I had to work harder and longer hours.
- I didn’t realize the gift of TIME until we lost Hallie. You realize that work, while important to pay for fun experiences is necessary, you also realize it doesn’t matter all that much because your life could end at any given moment. So take the TIME to be with your kids and those you love.
- I also drank when the kids were younger and now at almost 9.5 months of sobriety I know that my kids are getting the very best version of me. I’m listening to them better and I’m more present in all things. Quitting alcohol while great for my kids, now makes me feel sorry for the times I wasn’t as present for Hallie, Lexi and Carter.
- I parented harder when I was younger, especially Carter. There’s some guilt in that. I recognize now that I try to meet Chace, Sommer and Dane where they are and I wish I had understood better how to do that with the older kiddos sooner.
Like most things in life, when you recognize your feelings, you can process them and not repeat them. And that’s the next step I believe. I knew that once Hallie died that I never wanted to miss moments with my kids. Now that I’ve taken alcohol out of my life I don’t miss the moments anymore. I show up. I’m actively praying for my kids and calling and texting them regularly. That’s a challenge in itself learning Lexi, Carter, Chace, Sommer and Dane’s preferred methods of communication. If I want Chace to engage I need to send him funny memes. Dane is much easier because we just chat about sports. But my kids know that I’m interested in what they are doing, have going on and most importantly that they can count on me.
That’s the final takeaway for today. Show up in a way that your kids know they can count on you. You will show up for them no matter what. Whenever. Wherever. When your kids know they can TRUST and COUNT on you then you can start letting go of the guilt and focus on the future you want to build with your kids.
On that note I have to try and plan something with Lexi, Carter and Chace (since Sommer and Dane just got their turns).
God Bless,
Aric
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