November 27th, 2022 was a day that changed our entire family’s lives forever. Around 2pm we got a call that “something happened to Hallie”, my wife Angie’s first born and my bonus-daughter. That “something” would end up being her boyfriend shooting her from close range with a gun he had purchased the day before that he claims he didn’t know was loaded. November 29th, 2022 Hallie went home to be with our Lord Jesus Christ. And while I believe Hallie immediately joined Jesus in what became the greatest day in her life, our lives on Earth turned to what Hell must feel like that day.
Keep in mind my wife and I were almost newlyweds at this time. We had been married less than 2 years when Hallie died so it’s NOT like we had 20 years of History to hold us together. Our lives and family were shattered in an instant and the way in which I loved my wife before Hallie’s death would NOT work to walk with Angie thru grief.
My key takeaway for loving your wife well after the loss of a child is to be nimble and able to adapt. Everyone will handle the loss of a child differently, so your wife will handle her grief on her own timeline. It won’t be the same as anything you read about in a book. I didn’t realize this for a while and I admit that I’ve learned a lot about patience and grace since Hallie passed.
Loving someone well means meeting them where they are and not where you want them to be. But I think that’s what marriage is supposed to be, two people dying to themselves for the good of the union they entered into on their wedding day. When taking the “for better or worse” vow neither of us realized we would quickly find our marriage at the “worse” part with the loss of a child. So how do you become nimble and quick to adapt?
Grief has 5 stages as you may have heard and news flash, you can’t rush or predict the stages. So as Angie and myself both went through the stages of grief they didn’t coincide with each other which makes it even harder to show up for each other and connect and know how to love each other. One day I might feel as if I was loving Angie well only for both of us to be in a different place the very next day and obviously that would throw so many things off for us and sometimes that meant for an extended period of time. What I wish I had done a better job of the last 27 months is affirming where Angie was at and asking HOW I could show up for her. I often asked her WHAT she needed (she usually didn’t have an answer) but I should have asked HOW because sometimes the HOW is “just let me be alone”. Some days the HOW might have been “Hold Me.” Some days the HOW might have been something completely different. So being nimble and able to adapt means learning the “HOW” can I show up and support you well today versus asking “WHAT” that person needs.
Full transparency, I’m still learning to love Angie well after the loss of Hallie. Right out of the gate Angie cried herself to sleep every night for months. During this time the only thing I could control was taking care of the house. Dishes, laundry, making sure everyone was fed and run to whatever practice/game they needed to be at. At the time we had 3 teenagers in sports who couldn’t drive and another in his junior year of high school playing multiple sports. So I wanted Angie to know things were taken care of and she could cry whenever and for however long she needed to. Some things NOT to do:
- Don’t tell your wife within the first week of losing your daughter that statistics show 90-ish percent of marriages don’t survive the loss of a child. This puts another weight on her that she can’t carry.
- Don’t try to have deep intimacy with your wife. She is in the depths of despair and struggling to just breathe. Your needs will have to be put on the back burner. I realize this is not easy gentleman but trust me on this one.
- Don’t put off therapy. I can’t stress this enough. Some people do NOT want to go to a counselor. It is VITAL that you find a counselor for BOTH of you to attend separately but also at times together. Make sure the counselor is a good fit for both of you. You won’t make any progress or heal if you don’t connect with your counselor.
If you’re reading this then I know you are in a season of Hell. Please reach out so I can pray for you by name. God hears us. He loves us. And He hasn’t left us.
Aric
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