One of the HARDEST but also MOST REWARDING jobs in life is being a Parent. So what do you think becoming a Step-Parent or Bonus-Parent (as we like to say in our home) feels like? Well, it feels like I assume climbing Mt. Everest might feel like…the absolute hardest and absolute most rewarding challenge you’ll ever encounter.
Today I want to talk about why it’s hard and how you can build relationships without over-stepping boundaries.
Let’s start with the obvious. Even though you may wish to be your bonus child’s real parent, you’re NOT. So you may give them ALL of your love but they still will almost always feel this ultimate connection with their real parent. That’s natural. It’s not their fault and we have to remind ourselves of a couple of things. Our kids don’t fully develop their brains until they are 27 years old and they often feel they are in a double-mind. That means they may love certain aspects of your relationship compared to their real parent but they feel a loyalty to that parent which can give them anxiety and guilt (especially in teenage years when kids are fully loaded with hormones). It’s up to me as the adult and bonus-dad to humble myself regularly and remind myself what my position and place really is.
What I’m learning (because I don’t do any of this perfectly) is that my role as a bonus parent is to fill in the gaps in areas of life that my bonus-kids need me to step up. I’ll use my own kids Lexi, Carter and Dane’s bonus dad’s as an example. They are both more outdoorsy than me. They can teach my kids about farming, hunting, fishing, camping, survival skills that I’m not equipped to teach my own kids. By learning to appreciate how other men in my kids lives fill the gaps that I can’t, it helps me to let my guard down and appreciate the ways that I can and do show up for my kids.
My parents were married when I was growing up, but it hit me one day in my bonus parenting journey that I had two coaches in my life who taught me a lot of things that my dad couldn’t teach me. And my dad was grateful to those men and he became friends with them. He appreciated how they rounded out my life and I think that’s helped me to shape my role with my own kids and as a bonus-parent.
That led me to ask myself this question. How can I fill the holes in the lives of kids that aren’t mine but I love with all of my heart?
First, you have to build trust and it takes more work to build trust with kids who aren’t your own. But you’re also looking at bonus kids from “outside the bottle” and you can sometimes easier see how and what they need from you as a bonus parent. So take the time to analyze areas that you can fill the gaps and show up for your bonus kids and then you’ll start to see connection build.
Finally, pray for patience and humility. It’s a LONG GAME. You don’t win this overnight. You don’t win this in a week or two. You win your bonus kids hearts and minds over years and years of showing up for them repeatedly when they need you. We ALL need people in our lives that we can count on and hopefully my bonus kids know they can always count on me.
Remember, it takes a village to raise kids and so having GREAT bonus parents can make that village feel a little more safe and secure.
Thanks for reading and God Bless,
Aric
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